Steven Wright Biography | Inspiration Quotations | Motivation Quotes

Steven Wright
Tags: 
Steven Wright

Steven Wright Motivational Quotations:

  • “If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?”

  • “The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?”

  • “There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”

  • “Steven Wright quote: There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like...”

  • “Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?”

  • “Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”

  • “If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”

  • “If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?”

  • “Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.”

  • “When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.”

  • “Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.”

  • “Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.”

  • “Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.”

  • “My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'”

  • “I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!”

  • “I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.”

  • “I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.”

  • “I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.”

  • “My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.”

  • “Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?”

  • “When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.”

  • “The older you get, the more you learn to see what you've been taught to see. When you're a kid, you see what's there.”

  • “I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.”

  • “I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.”

  • “One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read"

  • “If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?”

  • “Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?”

  • “Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?”

  • “Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.”

  • “How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?”

  • “I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.”

  • “I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The wholetime.”

    Steven Wright

  • “If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”

  • “When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.”

  • “If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?”      

  • “I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”

  • “If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?”

  • “How do you get off a non-stop flight?”

  • “I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.”

  • “They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.”

  • “Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.”

  • “You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.”

  • “Why isn’t  the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?”

  • “Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'”

  • “How come abbreviated is such a long word?”

  • “It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.”

  • “Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.”

  • “If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat.”​

    Steven Wright

  • “Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.”
  • “For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.”

  • “I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.”

  • “Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?”

  • “If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?”

  • “Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?”

  • “I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.”

  • “Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "What for?"”

  • “Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?”

  • “I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.”

  • “They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.”

  • “Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?”

  • “I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'”

  • “I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.”

  • “A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”

  • “I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.”

  • “I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.”

  • “To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. “

  • “In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.”

  • “Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.”

  • “When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.”

  • “Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?”

  • “Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?”

  • “I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.”

  • “My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.”

  • “I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.”

  • “I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.”

  • “I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?”

  • “I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.”

  • “I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.”

  • “I like to reminisce with people I don't know.”

  • “One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.”

  • “When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.”

  • “If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.”

  • “Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.”

  • “Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You'd see a flock of birds come by, laughing hysterically!”

  • “Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right.”

  • “Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”

  • “Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.”

  • “I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'”

  • “A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.”

  • “It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.”

  • “Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.”

  • “All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand”.

  • “I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, 'No thanks, I'm not going that far.”

  • I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.

  • “I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”

  • “I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.”

  • “I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.”

  • “If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?”

  • “The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.”

  • “Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?”

  • “All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.”

  • “In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said 'cut it out'”

  • “Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?”

  • “No one is listening until you make a mistake.”

  • “What's another word for Thesaurus?”

  • “I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.”

  • “Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.”

  • “Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.”

  • “My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.”

  • “I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.”

  • “I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.”

 

Author: 
Unknown

Add new comment

CAPTCHA
This question is for testing whether or not you are a human visitor and to prevent automated spam submissions.
8 + 3 =
Solve this simple math problem and enter the result. E.g. for 1+3, enter 4.

Recent Articles

Get Inspire

Inspire Tags

access door supplier (1)Oscar Wilde (1)Orison Swett Marden (1)Soft skills (1)Ryan International School (3)stall (1)Success quotations (1)Sports Inspiration (1)Punctuality skills (1)condensing unit (1)Rick Steves (1)Antoine de Saint-Exupéry (1)Behaviour (1)Robert Gately (1)Toy Testing (1)Marc Benioff (1)water testing lab (2)Adam Grant (1)Virginia Postrel (1)Oprah Winfrey (1)Rudyard Kipling (1)George Bernard Shaw (1)No idling (1)air conditioning company in dubai (1)Alexander Solshenitsen (1)Leo Buscaglia (1)Paul J.Meyer (1)dream quotes (1)abroad education consultants (4)Alex Morritt (1)Hope Quotes (1)Dr Goral Gandhi (1)Communication Quotes (1)Peggy Fleming (1)Persistence Quotes (1)Lou Holtz (1)Khashaba Dadasaheb Jadhav (1)wire rope manufacturer (2)Great Quotes (1)Narendra Modi (1)David Levithan (1)Charles Lamb (1)Parents day Quotes (1)Erykah Badu (1)Most Inspirational Quotes (1)Quotations on Valentine Day (1)Peace Quotes (1)Time management skills (1)Andrew Carnegie (1)Spiritual Leader (1)Celebrity astrologer in india (1)Fitness Quotes (1)Service (1)Henry Ford (1)Arthur C. Clarke (1)Passion Quotes (1)Stephen King (1)Integrity Quotes (1)Jack Ma (1)Inspirational story (1)Hermann Hesse (1)Farmer (1)Failure Management (1)Mahatma Gandhi (1)Money (1)Martin Luther King Jr (1)Marcus Tullius Cicero (1)Chance Quotes (1)Karin Slaughter (1)Real estate (1)Jean Paul Friedrich (1)Jane Addams (1)Quotes on Teenage (1)SEO services (1)Hard Work Quotes (1)Fly Solo (2)Attitude Quotes (1)Mireille Guiliano (1)Tom Peters (1)William Feather (1)Lou Rawls (1)Hope quotations (1)Albert Schweitzer (1)Healthy and fitness blogs (2)James Humes (1)Inventors killed (1)Valentine Day (1)Humor Quotes (1)William Morris (1)Health (3)Failure quotes (1)Miguel de Cervantes (1)neet question bank (1)James Whitcomb Riley (1)Aesop (1)Running (2)Brene Brown (1)Emma Thompson (1)Studying Abroad (3)Nobel Prizes (1)Julius Erving (1)C. JoyBell C Biography (1)study visa (1)Do the work (1)New Year's Quotations (1)Funny Quotes (1)Maya Angelou (1)design (2)Mary Kay Ash (1)Marathon Racer (1)NRI Privilege Health Card (1)Vincent Van Gogh (1)Shannon L. Alder (1)Self Driving Car (1)Henry J. Kaiser (1)Dalai Lama (1)horizontal life line system (1)Fathers day quotes (1)Self-Discipline Quotes (1)Yuval Noah Harari (1)Groucho Marx (1)Dr Gautam Allahbadia (18)Epictetus (1)Thomas Carlyle (1)Marya Mannes (1)assisted hatching (1)canada Universities (1)team work (1)Hunter S. Thompson (1)MLM consultant (1)Howard Schultz (1)Drake (1)A.P.J. Abdul Kalam (1)Achievement (4)commodity trading (1)Leonard Cohen (1)Love Quotes (1)Og Mandino (1)Sundeep Kochar (1)Yehuda Berg (1)Time management (2)Jeff Hawkins (1)Faith quotes (1)Mahatma Gandhi Quotes (1)Tom Freston (1)Harvey Mackay (1)Bernard Baruch (1)Humanity (1)Quotations on Stregnth (1)neet practice papers (1)Naveen Jain (1)Alexander Graham Bell (1)Criss Angel (1)Liz Murray (1)John Dryden (1)Analytical Testing Lab (3)Christiane Northrup (1)IVF Specialist in Mumbai (11)Kumar Mangalam Birla (1)John D. Rockefeller (1)neet mock test papers (1)Music Quotes (1)neet online mock test (1)Abraham Lincoln (1)Mother Theresa (1)air conditioning ducting supplies (1)Vera Nazarian (1)Julie Andrews (1)testing lab in delhi (2)Bertrand Russell (1)B. F. Skinner (1)Julia Gillard (1)Happiness quotes (1)Monique Murphy (1)Laws of life (1)William Arthur Ward (1)Diet food recipes (1)Erma Bombeck (1)Stephen Covey (1)Patriotism (1)Positive Thinking (1)Earl Nightingale (1)Vision Quotes (1)Goal Setting Quotes (1)Bobby Scott (1)Judy Blume (1)Calvin Coolidge (1)Embryologist (1)Quotations on Romance (1)Invention (1)H.Jackson Brown (1)Lee Atwater (1)Abdul Kalam Quotations (1)James Heckman (1)New Year (1)wedding photography trends (1)Anthong Foxx (1)Orson Scott Card (1)Scilla Elworthy (1)Dr Gautam Allahbadia Mumbai (18)Steve Jobs (1)Mark Frauenfelder (1)Walt Disney (1)King Solomon (1)water testing lab in delhi (2)Madonna Ciccone (1)Entrepreneur (1)Oliver Sacks (1)Sudha Chandran (1)Gautama Buddha (1)Failure Management quotes (1)Bill Gates (1)D.H. Lawrence (1)Earl Wilson (1)Brian Acton (1)results (1)Thad Cochran (1)William Butler Yeats (1)Quotes On Travel (1)chain sling manufacturer (2)Joseph Addison (1)Indian Successful CEOs (1)Micky Ward (1)high speed doors uae (1)Share Market (1)Atlantic Ocean (2)Creativity (3)Dalmia Group (1)Women Quotes (1)Ernest Hemingway (1)Better building construction (1)Business quotes (1)Jim Rohn (1)safety equipment suppliers in uae (1)Commitment quotes (1)Larry Bird (1)Robert De Niro (1)Ronald Ross (1)Kofi Annan (1)Andre Gide (1)AMRI Hospitals (1)Benjamin Franklin (1)C.S. Lewis (1)Memorial Day (1)Romance (1)Leadership Quotes (1)Indian Film Actor (1)Kamal Hassan (1)wedding photographer in lucknow (1)James Cash Penney (1)Self driving car in Bangalore (1)Paul Mellon (1)Hope (1)Immigration Quotes (1)Norman Douglas (1)Travis Bradberry (1)Rick Pitino (1)Isak Dinesen (1)investment (1)Honesty Quotes (1)Successful woman (1)Truth (1)Mary Anne Radmacher (1)AMRI Hospitals Bhubaneswar (1)Friendship Quotes (1)Best Overseas Education consultants in UAE (1)study mbbs abroad (2)Pallam Raju (1)Douglas Adams (1)Laurence J. Peter (1)M.Scott Peck (1)Do it (3)Emotional Quotes (1)stall designing (1)Sean Swarner Everest Climber (1)ICSI (1)Angela Merkel (1)Louis Pasteur (1)democritus (1)Leo Rosten (1)William Makepeace Tahckeray (1)Swami Vivekananda (2)VIDEO (1)Alibaba Founder (1)Richard Carlson (1)Anne Morrow Lindbergh (1)Angela Ruggiero (1)Andrew Shue (1)Family Quotes (1)Innovation (1)Sports Quotes (1)Team Management Quotes (1)exhibition (3)Lucius Annaeus Seneca (1)Glenn Greenwald (1)Jacky Ickx (1)study in canada (1)Ludwig van Beethoven (1)Never give up (2)Damian Woetzel (1)Apple CEO (1)Leadership (1)Helen Keller (1)Albert Einstein (1)Jamie Oliver (1)Shiv Khera (1)Alan Greenspan (1)Dr Goral Gandhi Mumbai (1)Thomas Edison (1)hvac companies in dubai (1)Courage Quotes (1)J.K. Rowling (1)Voltaire (1)Jessica cox (1)Quotations On Memorial Day (1)Marathon (1)spectro labs (2)Marvin Bower (1)Conrad burns (1)Tommy Lasorda (1)Harry Stack Sullivan (1)ahu unit manufacturer (1)Learning Quotes (1)Healthy lifestyle blog (1)neet questions chapter wise (1)Harriet Beecher Stowe (1)Conan O Brien (1)medical emergency (1)Intelligence Quotes (1)Siri Hustvedt (1)Experience Quotes (1)Team work quotes (1)Amy Schumer (1)Daniel Goleman (1)John Powell (1)Top 10 Indian CEO’s (1)team management (1)hospitals in Eastern India (1)Positive Thinking Quotes (1)Endometriosis (1)Anita Roddick (1)Safety (1)Miracle Man (1)PPC (1)Randy Pausch (1)cantilever shelving systems (1)chapter wise questions for neet (1)IVF (8)cantilever racking supplier (1)wedding photography in lucknow (1)Jobs (1)Marty Rubin (1)earth-quake resistant (1)visa (1)Eric Ripert (1)Dr T.P.Chia (1)Inspiration (3)Sydney J. Harris (1)Life Quotes (1)Inspire (2)Marriage Quotes (1)Building (1)Nature Quotes (1)ccess doors manufacturer (1)Darell Hammond (1)IVF success (1)Charles Dickens (1)Steven Wright (1)chain block suppliers in uae (1)air conditioning companies in dubai (1)Team Building Quotes (1)Satchel Paige (1)Mother Quotes (1)assisted reproduction (2)Inventors (1)Legal Quotes (1)Games (1)John Quincy Adams (1)Knowledge Quotes (1)Winston S. Churchill (1)hygiene unit (1)Sania Mirza (1)Ryan Pinto (1)Paul Watson (1)Barack Obama (1)Peter drucker (1)gate barrier dubai (1)Robert Collier (1)Amphibious building style (1)Rod Blagojevich (1)Young Jeezy (1)Dalmia Family (1)wedding photography (1)Tony Robbins (1)Clare Boothe Luce (1)online mock test for neet (1)Henry Wheeler Shaw (1)Teachers’ Day Quotes (1)Dale Carnegie (1)Matt Cartwright (1)wedding photographer (1)kolkata hospitals (1)Joe Morgan (1)Motivational Quotes (4)Bangladesh (1)chain block manufacturer (2)neet question papers with answers (1)Poem (1)Amit Kalantri (1)John F. Kennedy (1)Successful people (1)Digital marketing (1)James Altucher (1)Wisdom Quotes (1)George Horace lorimer (1)inspiring (1)Change Quotes (1)Aarohi Pandit (2)God Quotes (1)Floyd Mayweather Jr. (1)Ferdinand Marcos (1)Salman F Rahman (1)Mark Twain (1)Shaun White (1)Freddie Highmore (1)Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1)W. C. Fields (1)Relationship quotes (1)Patrick Henry Hughes (1)Women (1)Hard work (3)Spirituality Quotes (1)creative (1)Richard Branson (1)neet mock test (1)SEO Company (1)Quotes on Truth (1)benefits of IVF (1)Benjamin Disraeli (1)Melody Beattie (1)education (4)Poorna Malavath (1)Management quotes (1)Robert Breault (1)Punctuality (1)Yogi Berra (1)M.J.Ryan (1)C.G. Jung (1)Daniel H.Pink (1)Shari Arison (1)Margaret Heffernan (1)water testing (2)Hilarie Burton (1)Sanjay Dalmia (1)Dave Ramsey (1)Brain Tracy (1)Aristotle (1)Jon Oringer (1)inspirational quotes (1)education quotes (1)Steve Jobs Quotes (1)Gerald Chertavian (1)Quotes (1)Dalmia Health (1)Scientists (1)john dewey (1)Wilfred Peterson (1)Fyodor Dostoyevsky (1)esma approved ac manufacturer (1)plato (1)Jean Chatzky (1)Bill Clinton (1)Healthcare (5)Tracy Morgan (1)Success (10)Health quotes (1)Business person (1)Appreciation Quotations (1)Nelson Mandela (1)Michelle Obama (1)canada education (1)Gilbert K. Chesterton (1)Steven Pressfield (1)Never Give Up Quotes (1)Poetry (1)storage solutions dubai (1)Mikaela Shiffrin (1)Strength (1)Vincent Nichols (1)Vince Lombardi (1)lifting equipments manufacturers (2)encouragement quotes (1)Religion Quotes (1)Mark Pocan (1)Quotations on Patriotism (1)Rabindranath Tagore (1)Quotes on Sympathy (1)Curtis Carlson (1)Nick Vujicic (1)Madam Grace Pinto (1)Brian Greene (1)trade show (1)Parents (1)Sophie Swetchine (1)Sympathy (1)Best astrologer in India (1)concrete building (1)Conrad Hilton (1)Suzy Kassem (1)Jacob A. Riis (1)Construction (1)Quotations on money (1)