Steven Wright Biography | Inspiration Quotations | Motivation Quotes

Steven Wright
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Steven Wright

Steven Wright Motivational Quotations:

  • “If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?”

  • “The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?”

  • “There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”

  • “Steven Wright quote: There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like...”

  • “Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?”

  • “Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”

  • “If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”

  • “If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?”

  • “Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.”

  • “When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.”

  • “Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.”

  • “Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.”

  • “Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.”

  • “My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'”

  • “I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!”

  • “I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.”

  • “I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.”

  • “I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.”

  • “My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.”

  • “Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?”

  • “When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.”

  • “The older you get, the more you learn to see what you've been taught to see. When you're a kid, you see what's there.”

  • “I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.”

  • “I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.”

  • “One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read"

  • “If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?”

  • “Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?”

  • “Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?”

  • “Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.”

  • “How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?”

  • “I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.”

  • “I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The wholetime.”

    Steven Wright

  • “If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”

  • “When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.”

  • “If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?”      

  • “I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”

  • “If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?”

  • “How do you get off a non-stop flight?”

  • “I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.”

  • “They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.”

  • “Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.”

  • “You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.”

  • “Why isn’t  the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?”

  • “Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'”

  • “How come abbreviated is such a long word?”

  • “It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.”

  • “Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.”

  • “If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat.”​

    Steven Wright

  • “Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.”
  • “For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.”

  • “I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.”

  • “Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?”

  • “If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?”

  • “Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?”

  • “I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.”

  • “Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "What for?"”

  • “Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?”

  • “I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.”

  • “They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.”

  • “Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?”

  • “I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'”

  • “I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.”

  • “A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”

  • “I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.”

  • “I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.”

  • “To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. “

  • “In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.”

  • “Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.”

  • “When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.”

  • “Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?”

  • “Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?”

  • “I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.”

  • “My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.”

  • “I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.”

  • “I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.”

  • “I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?”

  • “I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.”

  • “I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.”

  • “I like to reminisce with people I don't know.”

  • “One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.”

  • “When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.”

  • “If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.”

  • “Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.”

  • “Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You'd see a flock of birds come by, laughing hysterically!”

  • “Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right.”

  • “Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”

  • “Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.”

  • “I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'”

  • “A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.”

  • “It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.”

  • “Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.”

  • “All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand”.

  • “I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, 'No thanks, I'm not going that far.”

  • I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.

  • “I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”

  • “I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.”

  • “I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.”

  • “If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?”

  • “The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.”

  • “Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?”

  • “All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.”

  • “In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said 'cut it out'”

  • “Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?”

  • “No one is listening until you make a mistake.”

  • “What's another word for Thesaurus?”

  • “I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.”

  • “Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.”

  • “Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.”

  • “My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.”

  • “I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.”

  • “I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.”

 

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